Frankenstein Was The Only No-Show


Cutest Mummy Ever, Slim PaleySlim Paley phooooootoooo

One year, we had a little Mummy…

Halloween Invitation ideasSlim Paley photo

Who sent Severed Fingered invitations to his Haunted House Halloween Party

Severed finger Halloween Invitations

Slim Paley photo

The fingers nestled in their boxes of Spanish moss & lichen, all ready to walk…after sundown, of course

Ahhhh…Those ghoulishly fun and delightful  times are but a memory now…

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Nosferatu

Klaus Kinski’s Nosferatu (slowest best-worst movie ever?!)

And irony of ironies, as I post the above photo, my younger son (the cute little Mummy/Beaver) has just called to tell me he let his friend shave his head at school. I said “SHAVED“?  He said “Well Mom,  it’s not NOT shaved”

Aaarrrgghh- BOYS

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We had another little unexpected Halloween adventure this week that we won’t be forgetting anytime soon.

Sadly, neither of our boys were home for;

THE NIGHT…

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flying bat

A BAT CAME INTO OUR BEDROOM!!!!

 

Dracula

The one and only Bela Lugosi


Monday night; dark, windy…I’m in our bedroom office, having just finished writing my “Tranquil Palette” post (an ironic week apparently)

My husband is quietly reading in bed.  All of a sudden, I see him leap up shouting “Is that a BAT??!!

 I run screaming into my office closet. Naturally, the  door, for reasons we won’t get into, would only close 3/4 of the way (note to self; clean out office closet) so I was trapped, leaving ample room for the crazed vampire to still get in, tangle in my hair and burrow into my brain.  How do I know it was a vampire bat you ask?  Because, one, it had those super arched up wings made of semi-support hose just like in the movies and secondly, it’s like 5 days before Halloween so what other kind of bat would it be??

Now I can see from around the edge of the door, my  naked husband wildly flailing his book around  (The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell) and shouting “He’s going for my Unit!! I swear he’s dive bombing right at my WANG!!”  I start to laugh uncontrollably  which, unfortunately, I sometimes do when I’m terribly nervous.

Dear Reader- this is what my husband did next; he chased the bat into my office and quickly  shut the dividing glass doors leaving himself safely in the bat-free zone on the other side.  He then proceeded to yell to me my ‘mission’ which, should I accept, was to run out of the closet, serpentine my way through the demented flight path of the wildly careening, apparently gay vampire bat and “simply” open the balcony door for it to fly out.

Like that was happening anytime this century.

There was more likelihood of  the creature cursed with eternal life dying before I was coming out of that closet.  I cooly conveyed this information to my husband.  After wards, he said my muffled, high pitched screaming implied I’d already sent out Change of Address cards, so decidedly was I entrenched in my new ‘studio apartment’.

 Meanwhile, the bat continued to screech desperately around the room searching for victims. Moments later, I see my husband, outside on the balcony, still in the buff, trying to open my office door, which of course, is locked. I’m pretty sure at this point, even the bat was having a laugh.  Eventually, suited up in two baseball caps (one facing front, one back to protect his neck, sunglasses, high tube socks and a robe over his head, my hero burst into the office and flung open the balcony door, releasing the blood thirsty beast back into the inky black night.

I’m still trying to remember when I last laughed that hard.

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Robert Pattinson

Perhaps if I’d let him bite me, he’d have turned into this??

 My luck, more like this…

nosferatu

Max Schreck in a Still from the original “Nosferatu”  ( I look at his hands and wonder if  we aren’t related)

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Slim Paley photo

I took this photo in the early morning light- but for the sake of this post, let’s pretend it was the dark and stormy night. I was struck by how strong the silhouette of the etched glass hall lantern was against the staircase wall.

Nosferatu

Ok, I must bid you adieu, it’s after midnight.

Wishing you all Sweet Dreams tonight!


57 Comments

  1. I hate bats more than anything. They are, to me, like sharks are to other people. I would never have come out of that room. You laughed? Well, you are lucky. As much as I hate bats, I love R Patz. Now that’s a vampire.

  2. I hate to take the romance out of your saga, Slim–as hilarious as it is–but bats are not, as much as we would like, Frank Langella, but flying rats. Thank God you didn’t get bitten because a bat hickey would have been the least of your problems. You’d be looking forward to some nasty shots. Anyway, Slimmy–sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs bite (hey, thank god we don’t have to contend with those—yet).
    xoxox

  3. Wow! I haven’t laughed that hard at 6 am on a dark and cold Friday morning ever! What a great story! I think I’m going to be laughing all day, like the crazy people on the street who laugh to themselves…You made my day, Slim. Have a great weekend and Happy Halloween!

  4. On the floor laughing remembering a similar scene at our NH cabin………….oh, and then there was the bat that took up residence in the basement washing machine right after the brith of our first child……….talk about post-partum depression…..I refused to do the wash for months after that……..hmmmmmm, note to self: not a bad excuse……
    Halloween is my birthday so I love all and everything about it!
    Thanks.

  5. OMG!!! OMG!!! Are YOU SERIOUS??? REALLY??? LOL

    I can’t stop laughing!!! LOL LOL

    SP… this is the BEST HALLOWEEN POST EVER! There’s suspense, there’s a BAT, there’s people in the closet, there’s people screaming (right?lol), there’s naked people running, there’s people trying to open the locked door and there’s Robert Pattison. I know he’s a little bit too young, but… well, I don’t need to explain… :-)

    Definitely you’ve made my day! Mind you I wasn’t feeling that giggly today :-)

    Luciane

  6. My question is if your husband ever put on pants during the heroic rescue. If not, then the visual of the outfit consisting of two baseball caps, sunglasses, tube socks and a robe over the head is even funnier! Did you take photographs for the family album?

  7. Men…who needs them. At some point they will learn not to sleep naked. My husband did the exact same thing only swinging a baseball bat in all his nakedness. Love the backwards hat! Too funny…I am going to share this story at tomorrow evenings party.

  8. Love this post. So realistic and humerous and, also familiar. I do see your husband running about, well almost, not quite, figuratively, as I have not seen a photo of him or you either. But, what a scene, something for the Marx brothers to act out. Who would have known? Bats are to men, as snakes are to women, perhaps.

    We have had a few similar experiences. I screech and husband grabs the bed covers and captures the bat, and out he goes…the bat that is, out window or front door. A tip, watch for the bats as they like to hide in the folds of drapes.

    On that thought, happy Halloween to you!

  9. Love your bat battle… the naked husband reminds me of my own heroic He-man.

    My husband has battled raccoons, possoms, and “thieves who are breaking into my truck”
    in the middle of the night… stark naked. Gotta love him, he’s provided us (3 sons and me)
    lots of laughter through the years.

    Happy Halloweenie!!!

  10. That is so hysterical. I love it that Mr. SP locked the bat in with YOU…my husband would have done the same thing. He was quite a hero in the end!

    Oh, I miss those days of the special costumes and party invites. They mummy finger in lichen was brilliant! My daughter still loves her costumes, in a teenage way.

    Thank you for a great laugh to start the day!

  11. Too funny…thanks for the laugh. I can see it now…and isn’t it funny how men are so quick to perceive an attack on the “unit” from all creatures great and small. I can see him now.

    My wonderful grandmother Mo, back in Virginia in the 50s, kept a tennis racket under her bed for just such an eventuality, which wasn’t as rare as one might think in those old 18th century houses. I think they nested in the attic or something.

    Thanks for the morning giggles.

  12. ‘wang’?… ‘WANG’? i haven’t heard that since the 8th grade. please thank your dearesthubs for the giggles (okay…guffaws). happy halloween, ya’ll.

  13. Like you lady Eve I hate ,loathe, detest bats. I think i would have had a heart attack .Oh Yuk.
    Slim you made a very funny post from your ghastly experience. Seems to me you are fearless, a wonderful gift to have. Your first born sooo adorable.
    Happy Halloween to all.

  14. Great pics and all here- but I love Bats and they are good luck
    - wonderful writing- I laughed out loud
    and I need that today-love the Mummy suit and invites

  15. hi slim,

    i’ve waited all day for this post to finally open. blogger is seriously messed up these last 2 days. ok though it was worth the wait.

    how you took me from the sweet pictures of your son to the porn (thank y0u) image of your husband, i don’t know – but i’m sure glad you did! happy halloween.

    hilarious.

    ~janet

  16. Having had a bat fly into my bedroom in the middle of the night – I love your story (much funnier than mine). Thought it was a bird and sent my teenage daughter in to “save” it. When it clung to the wall she decided it was definitely not a bird. Animal control took 2 hours to find it wrapped up in the drapes. Lots of laughs now but not so much then!

  17. Hilarious!! I was laughing out loud. Here in the deep south we have *flying palmetto bugs* which I am frightened of because they always seem to zero in on you when you are most afraid. I can’t even imagine a bat flying around – in your bedroom of all places! You have a very brave husband! I once saw the original Nosferatu on Halloween night with live music – very cool. Love your son’s costume and invitations. And the Robert P pic.

  18. We had a bat in our house one time. Its amazing what you’ll do. I mean like the lengths of garb you’ll put on to protect yourself. “W” garbed himself up and got out the 9 iron and started swingin away. Well, like he could really hit a flying bat with a 9 iron. (I mean he can barely meet the golf ball with one (don’t tell him I said that) Then the bat settled in our dining room. Right on the 500.00 a roll wallpaper. You know what W does? Sprays wasps spray right at him and the stuff goes all over the wallpaper. yep. oh, and the bat went splat right on the floor. we got him. It’s a good thing we both got a good laugh because “I” was about to turn into an evil bat and kill him myself. We looked outside in our driveway and someone had driven up in what looked like a “batmobile”. It was just a bazarre night. Thanks for bringing back the memories!!! This was like 20 years ago. You are just hilarious. And when are we gonna see pics of you and “the wang” oops, I mean the hub.

  19. Your very detailed description of your lovely hubby, who did eventually open the door to let the vampire out, is still inside my mind. LOL. What a super blog.

    I’m definitely saving this for an off day, read it and laugh, and feel much better.

    Thanks, and HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

  20. You brought back memories of a summer night when I was all by myself and a thump, thump, thump woke me up. When I turned on the light, there it was, and although I had never seen a bat before I immediately recognized it, although I never stopped to look what kind it was. My first reaction, of course, was to dive under the covers and scream. Unfortunately, I did not have a naked husband next to me for mine was travelling so laughter and hysterics were not in the mix. After what seemed like ten minutes (Probably 10 seconds) I remembered reading that light attracts them so turned off light and proceeded to open window (which had been left open without a screen! that’s how it got in!!!) and eventually it flew out. I still had to endure an endless wait while bat flew from wall to wall, each time lower until it found a way out. I think he was more spooked out than I was! Your story is funnier than mine but believe me, I have gotten a lot of mileage out of it throughout the years and so will you! Great post and perfect timing!

  21. My jammies are wet! OMG!
    Can’t erase that visual from my mind’s eye… Your handsome honey flailing in the buff to protect his “Wang!”

    Everything about your posts exudes the heart & soul of an artist. Your unique talents amp that up a notch with a keen ability to infuse raucous humor into your ‘painted’ verbal musings!

    TY as always, and still laughing!

  22. I laughed out loud while reading this post. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall, although I do have an image of the incident in my head. It would make a great episode for a sitcom, a modern day Ricky and Lucy. Too funny!

    Little mummy is so adorable. I wonder how he looks with his shaven head.

  23. When my son was in the Peace Corps in Africa, his ceiling was filled with scores of bats. He would sweep up the guano (um, poop) every morning from around the perimeter of the room. One night he fought an epic battle with 3 of them, and when it was over he noticed a scratch on his arm. Just to be safe, he was ordered to have a rabies shot! Thankfully, he was soon relocated to another home. Love the picture of your husband in my mind!

  24. Very humorous post and so visually enriched!
    I come from an area with huge population of fruit bats which every night at dusk fly off into the night. Its pretty OMG but you get used to after a while. Fruit bats are very noisy and on more than one occasion I have been woken in then night as they fight over some morsel in the trees around our home.
    They also carry a terrible virus called lyssavirus which is very nasty but fortunately we don’t have rabies in Australia.
    All up a fun fauna to have around!!
    Kate B x

  25. Hilarious! I came to love bats when I found out how many mosquitoes they eat! And also when my daughter was in 3rd grade and made a Barbie Bat for a bat project – that bat was very fashionable! My best bat story is when a friend came for a visit to our vacation home on Whidbey Island. Our little cabin has a back door out to where the cars are parked and a “front door” out to the beach. A little bat had attached itself to the back door screen, hanging there with it’s little claws. Our youngest daughter and I were mesmerized checking out the bat up close inside the screen door but our guest freaked out, screaming, “How will I get to my car and get home!” apparently thinking that the bat was not going to let her out the door, or that she couldn’t just go out the other door and walk around the house, or it was going to attack her. We laughed at her a lot!

  26. Dear Slim, have you thought about putting your blog together into a book? I think your work would make an amazing coffee table book. I’d buy it to inspire my family to think yes, a house can look this good! I need all the help I can get.

      • Publishers should be knocking down your door. You’re like the next Martha Stewart without the jail time. I’m formulating something from my blog into a book that’s a cross between Erma Bombeck and Hunter S. Thompson. My best friend from 8th grade just published so she’s helping me out. I wish you Godspeed.

  27. not to be glib…and I really love your posts, but Frankenstein would not be much of a scare if he showed up, he is in fact just a mad scientist….it’s a small point I always cringe at. The scary one would be “Frankenstein’s Monster.” But alas….

  28. ok – just saw this! rpattz, the cutest. but my first love was nosferatu klaus Kinski!!! omg – that was my favorite movie of all time for years and years. i even had a poster of him framed and hanging in my house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (i was single at the time!!). loved this!!
    J

  29. I worried about you all night. I hope you find out how the bat got in and check your attic for more. Most people bit by bats don’t even KNOW – the mark is so small, so tiny. you can’t even feel it when it happens. two years ago i found two tiny puncture marks on my cheek and became convinced i had been bit by a bat while snoozing outside on my porch as i do each night!!! for a year i was convinced i was dying. it can take a year for rabies to become active. one week i almost went for rabies shots but it was too late. ugggh. i was crazed!!! actually this was the second time i went through that. the first was about five years after i pet a dog in austin by the river where the largest bat colony in the world lives!!! ok. when i was little, we thought my aunt had birds in her fireplace. the screeching at night was horrific. now i know that it was BATS!!!! my family was too stupid to know. i hate bats soooo much!! i really hope you check out your attic. ok?

  30. and finally, is your husband cute? hehe. i’m visualizing him laying around in the nudity at night casually reading! omg! my husband is way to prudish to ever do something like that. he gets fully dressed the second he gets out of bed and always sleeps in nightwear. so. is he cute?

    • Ha Ha, Joni- your husband sounds like me!! Together we’d be like an old couple in a Dicken’s novel, with our tasseled night caps on.
      With regard to the bats- checked the attic and we also have a bat deterrent machine , though people say the bats do a lot of good. hmmm. They can be Do-gooders right next door, thank you very much. I’m not afraid of too much and can usually take care of myself (the tool kit in the house is “Mom’s Tool Kit” if you catch my drift) but the bat in my BEDROOM did reduce me to a screaming, helpless little Damsel in Distress.
      And yet, as you probably guessed from my post, I too was a big Klaus Kinski as Nosferatu fan!

      Lastly, but not leastly, yes, my husband “Bat Slayer of The Universe” is cute- at least I like to think so! :)
      xx

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