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DO YOU EVER…
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Ok, so you all know how much I adore my husband and children, that goes without saying, but do you ever sort of vaguely, fleetingly, for just a mosquito‘s breath of a second, relish having a little alone time in your house for a day or two? My husband had to go out of town this week… You know what that means for Slim- lamb with mint jelly for dinner, cozy flannel sheets, no television (except for “Miners & Mistresses” of course 
) and a bed that morphs into a king-size magazine kiosk- Happiness! Only for a couple of days, mind you (unless it’s September, when the issues are thicker)
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So naturally, with my alone time and no one to talk to but myself, I started to ponder some of the really meaningful questions in Life and commenced a’ wonderin’ if it’s just ME or …
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Do you ever do things when you’re all alone like blow out the power at night, when drying your hair on the “Damn You To Hell Frizz” setting of your hair dryer, and you have all the house lights on to make it look like everyone’s home, and then go down to reset the fuse for the master bathroom, and start doing some other stuff while you’re down there…
and come back up…oh, let’s say, awhile later, to hear a strange noise and find your blow dryer skidding all over the floor like a whirling dervish?
OK, maybe these are already getting too specific.
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-Do you ever wonder if Paula Dean’s accent is totally fake?
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Do you ever wonder why Sawyer from Lost hasn’t called me yet? Even though I think he’s moved to Santa Barbara in a desperate attempt to be closer to me? (Just ignore that little corner of wife in the photo- I do )
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-Do you ever max up the volume listening to a song on your computer when you’re alone and then forget, and get the #$%*& scared out of you when an email comes in?
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- Do you ever just want to pick up those tabloid magazines at the grocery checkout so flipping badly, that you’re sure the person next in line knows…can actually hear your conscience and inner dialogue? So you think ‘Well, now I’m busted anyway, what the hell?’ but flip through way too fast, because deep down you’re still trying to look like you’re really not even vaguely interested, but rather just killing time (oh woops- this isn’t ‘Oprah’!) and you end up not finding the article you were so desperate to read in the first place?
I like so saw you today at Von’s.
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And speaking of periodicals,
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-Do you ever think you could actually be in there with a chance as far as getting your poetry published in The New Yorker magazine, even though you’ve never written poetry? I mean I hate to be negative, I love the articles and many of the jokes but… the poetry? reeeally??
Here, I’m working on a little “New Yorker” piece right now I like to call;
.
“ODE TO MY SHOWER CAP”
There you
lay
a cloud, fallen to the
ground
sprinkled with tiny flowers
Rachel Ashton, or…
perhaps
a Liberty print…
Who really remembers
these details?
the minutiae of life…
like so many flowers
in the rain
A Garden
in my shower
~
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Slim Paley
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There. I think it’s almost ready to submit.
Of course I’m totally open to suggestions, but be kind; it’s my first draft and I could, very easily, make it about Wellington boots or home made marshmallows. Or Sawyer.
Anyone else have any New Yorker poetry submissions?! Dare you!
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Sweet musings Slim.
Does anyone EVER read the “poetry” in the New Yorker? Could anyone be THAT masochistic?
Nice try tho………….almost up to par.
Me- I do, I am!
I thought my poem was a pretty fair effort though Gaj
Writing good-bad poetry isn’t as easy as I make it look you know!
“I” think it’s a go Slim. Think positive here. YOU CAN DO IT! I think my life parrallels (is that how you spell that) yours somewhat. Except “W” goes out of town a lot. I LOVE BEING HOME ALONE!!!!
It’s wonderful. And you’re wonderful, and you always put a big ole smile on my face. If you ever stop blogging I’ll have to go into therapy. Oh, I posted a coat that I think you’ll like on my blog yesterday.
I thought it was totally “you”. Even though I don’t know you at all! Still, it’s you. Have a great Thursday!
Thanks for making me smile and laugh so early in the morning! Regarding the family, I have a secret fantasy of having a one bedroom apartment all to myself – a place that would always be neat (no discarded boy things), smell fresh (no piles of athletic shoes) and feel like an oasis (lots of fresh flowers and good lighting). Just for me. No boys allowed. A girl can dream, right?
Hi Slim
Mr FF travels all the time so I spend far more time alone than I do with him. I’m used to it.
In the doco about Karl Lagerfeld’s life Lagerfeld Confidentialkarl gets really fired up on this exact topic- he’s got no time for those who can’t be by themselves-he says that he ” hates people who can’t be alone!!!”
Paula Deen is relatively unknown in Australia, but I’ve seen her on Oprah so know who she is. Her accent is real I think! She look good with grey hair too.
xx
Dear Slim,You are my separated at birth twin. LOL! Except when I come to Santa Barbara I am always on the look out for Jeff Bridges (which my sister who lives there, gives me has a constant razzing about ). Just luv him forever! She would understand yours better…. xo
You are hilarious! Thanks for my morning laugh!
CC
http://currentlychic.com
HOME FROM SUMMER/FALL IN NH
Husband headed to L.A. the next day
Ethan Leon, son’s new baby, born that night.
I am alone in a bed
covered with magazines (out-of-date New Yorkers from the summer),
floor covered with half unpacked boxes and suitcases,
CD player blaring Dixie Chicks–Wide Open Spaces.
Sweet vermouth on the rocks with a twist in crystal glass on my knee,
dirty dishes in the sink (lamp chop bone remains on the plate!).
Exfolliating mask on face.
Ice pack on hip.
Happy.
Like it- and love the new baby’s name!
Well, muse, this, my first poem, is all your inspiration …………..it’s only up from here! Leon was my dad’s name…….means a lot.
Yes to all of it….but I actually buy a Star or People, snuck in with all the home and fashion mags! Love your poem…thanks for the chuckles today!
It is too early in TX to be laughing this much. Lawd-you kill me! Ok, YES! I admit it. I love My Guy (crazily)…and he does not go out of town much (at all). BUT…when I am home alone: girl, I revel in it! I make a Magazine Fort on my king bed, lock my bedroom door from the boogie man and read for hours. (Yes, to Paula’s accent).
Oooooh, how you make me laugh…cannot begin to tell you how thrilled I am to have found your blog!!
Thanks for an early-morning giggle! A nice start to the day…
hi slim,
like ff my husband travels a lot, not for business, just to get away from me. but anyway, i do all those things above and more. something always goes wrong when he is away too, that’s a given. 3 men once broke into the house while i was in the shower. when i stepped out i startled them so badly they ran down the stairs and jumped into the getaway car. i didn’t think i looked that bad naked.
~janet
Janet-Please tell me you are joking?!!
One of these days I am going to arrive on your doorstep with “Sawyer” and stand back and watch the fun… : )
As for that alone time it is not all it is cracked up to be. I find just when I am thinking “OMG – someone get these kids out of the house so I can hear myself think!!” then suddenly they are gone the silence is eerie and I just want them to come back. Now as for the husband .. hummmm.
“There was a young girl from Nantucket…..
Oh yea, this is a family show. I dream all the time about building a foundation and placing a small shed on it that is my space alone….no guy stuff, no college daughter back home junk, decorated in all my little ways…maybe someday. Great post!
Slim,
As always, you’ve given us a sweet peek into your life, and ours —
Loving being alone is one of those things you’re not supposed to be proud of — but I am ! — and I think you are too — isn’t it wonderful to be so full with your own thoughts and things you love to do and be able to like your own company?
As one of my divorced friends reminded me, though, “It’s easy to love being alone when you know it’s temporary.”
So true.
When home alone I love to get a basket of raspberries and dip them in the extra fine baking sugar in our pantry–no strange looks from anyone, just sheer no guilt enjoyment!
Slim, you are the cat’s meow!
Send it on. Love it.
I am screaming with tears at the kitty. Cutest thing.
Now on the the real meat of this post… Sawyer. Where has he been? It just isn’t fair!
Enjoy your days of leisure.
Teresa
I am laughing so hard I am crying at your New Yorker poem — not only because it’s hysterical but also because I think that same thing every, single week!! Thanks for the mood boost on this rainy day!
Kristy
You are darling!
A mere poetry submission? Really, that’s all…they should give you your own regular column! So much humor and enlightenment here in your corner of the blogosphere, and I can’t tell you what fun it is to read between the lines. Such a gift, and the world will be a far better place once Slim Paley’s readership grows to epic proportions.
~jermaine
Ditto everything that jermaine said.
Thanks…for reminding me…hmmmm where can I send my husband tonite …..
All the time…
SLIM DOG;
I DON’T KNOW IF PAULA’S ACCENT IS REAL BUT I GUARANTEE THAT HER TEETH ARE NOT….AND YOU KNOW I AM AN EXPERT IN THIS ARENA.
PLEASE KNOW THE LAST POST..AUTUMN ADORNED WAS ASTOUNDING. LOVE, ALONE A LOT (HA!)
Funny Post. Yes thats how Paula speaks,
Does any think Sawyer looks a little like Nate Berkus . whom I love.
Yep, I love Jeff bridges , adorable.
keep on enjoying your “Self ” time Slim. ox
When the kids went back to school in August. My Facebook Status read: “I’m home alone for the first time in 98 days – Lord Have Mercy.”
A Garden
in my shower.
I totally get that.
Slim, “How do I love thee?” You are brilliant.
Sawyer looks about as much like Nate Berkus as Julia Child did to that Paula woman, whom I have not seen thankfully but from the photo alone…………and if she does have an accent, it must be Southern!
If Sawyer looked like NB, then Slim would be posting pics of NB, which I see she has not, again, thankfully!
Solitude, even from someone you love and adore, priceless. Something even your black Amex can’t buy. So pleased you pointed that out Slim in your very charming and humorous manner, as always! I love your posts, a constant treat to the eyes and to the mind.
Oh Slim where do i begin
you are so funny
and it sounds like you’re a great mommy
i love your blog
almost as much as my dog
please don’t ever stop
or i’ll have to call a cop
I just had a good belly laugh. Forget writing a column…..You need you own TV show!!!!!
As for alone time…..it is a NECESSITY !
Your shower cap poem reminds me of when my mom visits my house. She was diagnosed with dementia after my brother passed away. Though some memories slip through, it’s these details like “a cloud, fallen to the ground” that survive.
I write poetry too but haven’t tried the New Yorker yet. I say go for it, Slim Paley.
Okay, I can lurk no longer. SP you rock!
I believe Paula does have an accent but she has exaggerated it to the Nth degree over the years she’s been on TV. It was not the hillbilly twang that it is now when she first got her show. The photo of those teeth is hilarious. She is a very pretty lady, however.
I used to wade through the New Yorker poetry faithfully each week, feeling badly about myself that I just didn’t “get” it. Then I turned 30 and was suddenly able to roll my eyes at the complete lack of any recognizable human emotion or experience. Now, your poetry is something I can relate to!
Regarding tabloids– they are amusing to glance at while waiting in the grocery line but then don’t tempt me. UNLESS they have headlines like “stars without makeup” or “look who’s gotten fat”. It takes every ounce of self-control I have not to snap those up. I’m also certain those in line behind me can feel my angst. I’ve never purchased one–when will I be old enough to stop caring what people in the grocery line think of me??
How about “The Writer’s Almanac” — do you ever listen to it on npr?– you can get the podcasts. I love it, and I think host Garrison Keillor may “dig” your poem. Just a thought.
There is nothing like a night of solitude in your abode. Enjoy!
SP: my sig other (of 15 years) has been working out of town every week Tue-Fri for over a year now. I’ve always loved my alone time, so this is heaven. I love him, too, but I think this is the secret to a happy marriage!
(ahem)
“Many Blogs appear on the sphere most Travelled
and Slim, Slim alone immerges”
“She is the unravished Karl of Blogging
this sunny Childe of Colour and Joy
Largerfeld would befell under thine Spell”
“Slim is funny, fun, Beauty and Pretty
and That is all Ye need to know for Blogs
All Ye need to know
And that has made all the difference.”
See what I did there Peoples?
I incorporated some Keats, Frost and a dab of Byron for my submission.
I figure since the New Yorker poems are so derivative, mine most certainly will be published.
Okay, I accepted Slim’s dare. So, I dare you to write one. In fact, make that a DOUBLE DARE! (I’ve never been able to figure out what that means exactly–double dare.)
are you saying your poem is better and more publish worthy than mine?
No. I will say this though. Canuck’s has a nice eecummings vibe.
you’re not the first person to tell me that
I don’t know about Paula Deans accent being fake, but I reckon her teeth are !!!! Great post yet again Slim.
I have at least 10 days (24 hours) that I am home alone every single month…Yahooooo!! (Oops, did I
just say that out loud?) My hubby is a fireman, and yep – he’s handsome… but… What decent woman
doesn’t want alone time. My personal favorite thing to do is watch all the recorded Housewives of
“wherever” that I’ve saved … takes me hours to get caught up. I like to multi task, so I bring my catalogs and trashy mags. I saturate myself with drama and who’s “worst” and “best” dressed.
…Good times!!
Ode to my Shower Cap (II)
You lay there in the drawer
Covered in Jean Nate powder that was
Scattered from a reckless hot flash.
A shower me thinketh
To wisk away the home-applied glycolic peel
That so gently stings and burns its way to
A baby’s bottom softness;
A perfect complement to the botulism injected
Between the finely arching brows of a bitch subdued.
Cap, you shall save my hair from the damp, hard water
That is unkind to this Auburn Ash so expensively deposited
Upon each visit to Miss E. Arden (plus tip to the hair washer).
But, cap, no! What is this? Do I detect that you have
Gone to the other side? To the side of darkness.
What is that smell? Is there a chance that Mildew is your mistress?
I now stand alone, water splashing up from my shoulders vertically,
Whispering to the bare ponytail “Frizz, frizz, my pet.”
Without you, I am defeated.
This is genius and should be published. I’m thinking ‘The Onion’ would be so inclined.
But, Dabbsie – it will only appeal to women of a certain age and taste. A demographic of maybe 17. All highly-sophisticated hormonally-challenged dilettantes (better yet, bluestockings). The Onion seems rather current and male. Anathema.
Ali—it was a toss up between that or ‘Mad Magazine’ so upon reflection I’m going with ‘The New Yorker’. I’m sure someone over there still retains a sense of humor.
Show Off..
I know, right? WTF?? There goes MY one day long career as a poet.
)
I bet she sucks at math though (like that’s MY strength
PS. But how great is the “Jean Nate” reference, “finely arching brows of a bitch subdued” and ” (plus tip to the hair washer)” ? Genuisly hilar! (now that my career as a poetess is over, I don’t care about my spelling)
As I sit and look out my window… I ponder
why does my dog need to chew his own backside… hmm I wonder
Enough of the dog & his ass, it’s time for dinner… shall we have halibut or flounder?
Like a struggling little boat … a big wave is sucking me under
A poet… alas, I am not, but it was worth a try… even though a blunder.
Respectfully submitted
JP
Ummmm… forget about dinner and the dog…can we see a picture of your fireman husband??!
Slim!!!!! NOW look what you’ve gone and started!!!!!!!
Regarding tabloids, William Faulkner said to read everything, trash, classics, whatever – just to see how it’s done. So if I ever pick up a tabloid in the check out line, I’m paying homage to the man who penned The Sound and The Fury.
I think Paula Deen’s accent is real, but what I wonder is how she’s still alive after eating all that butter!
As soon as I FINALLY find the Enquirer cover story, it’s always my turn at the checkout and I never get to read it. Happens every time.
This is my favorite post ever and favorite comments ever. I’m eager to try a. New yorker style poem. I also don’t care about my typing. Here goes:
White.
A cap ‘n nightgown
Awaits
A wilted
Head.
Alone
ASea
And yet
The gray tides of time
Rush
To cleanse the brazilian
Form
Al
To hide
The frisson
Oh cap’n, my cap ‘n
Crunch
And count shock
You la.
The bathing beauties ageless
“I sing the shower electric!!!”—-love it, Madame Eve!!!!
Paula, as you can see in her picture, is laughing all the way to the bank!
Love all of this, post and comments! I feel like I’ve been to a fun and somewhat rowdy slumber party with all the smart girls at school!
What a great comment Woodsie- quick, ditch the cigarette, I think I hear your Mom coming down!!
Have you been in my bedroom during MY handsome fireman husband’s absences?
The magical appearance of the ‘magazine kiosk’ on my king-sized…
Alas! You know me, you know all of us in this sisterhood sorority.
You notate and clarify our secrets, our passions, our earthly delights.
We revel with you and for you, you bring visual riches in every post.
Yep! You are one of the smart girls at school, SP!
TY!
Inspired by SP’s musings:
Its as miraculous as an acrophobic standing on the high dive..yes I ditched
my 12 year old handbag after months of half-hearted searches…days of
embarrassment hauling that threadbare thing around like a 4 yr old’s ninny rag.
The replacement? A metallic colored sac with cruel metal brads with the
potential for good and evil : (no I don’t need a stupid “green” bag Mr. Granola
just throw it in my purse) (wow a
puppy and a 6-pack can hide in there). It sits in its vinyl Chinese glory –
giving off deadly plastic fumes no doubt …but always looks sharp and ready to
follow me out swinging in a huff if needed.
YOU ARE VERY FUNNY!
I love the new yorker……..I read it when I can……..the first thing I do is read the cartoons…….the best in the world…..(just my opinion!)
Then I look at the articles…..and turn down the pages………
when I can……I start there. Those articles. They are always amazing.
third swipe…….I read the poetry. Love it. Honestly love it.
Slim……..love you too…..maybe you are reading in the wrong order. Try my order…….and report back!
sure love your blog!
Sure love your point of view!
If you want……try that order.
Please get back to me. if you want to try it!
XXOO
Penelope
I came back to this post to show my older daughter the kitty cat with the headphones. Then she read what you wrote under it and cracked up. She said, “Yeah, I hate that too. YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”
Better than the last. I am reading every single post. Ha!
Love your taste in music and thank god – movie references I get!
Hi Slim, I am having more fun reading your older posts, you are hilarious! I love your taste in music! I just have to let you know that, yes, Paula Dean’s accent is ridiculous.My Mother is from a small town, 30 miles from Albany, where Paula Dean grew up. My parents met at a wedding, they were both in, in that same town, again Albany, pronounced “Albiny” by Paula Dean. No one, and I spent the better part of my summers growing in my Mother’s small town, and I mean no one, speaks like that. My father’s family is from Savannah, where I live, and believe me, it is horribly embarrassing. She makes us all look like a bunch of uneducated hicks. In the deep south there are two kinds of people: those with mullets in their familial closets, and well , those without. I’m just saying….